Talk to Me
by JamiW
Summary: Stand-alone story, runs concurrent with s14 episode "Deadly Ambition"


A/N: concurrent with "Deadly Ambition", with some dialogue pulled directly from the show

* * *

**Amanda Rollins POV**

I'm on fire.

Not literally, but still...I'm covered in a sheen of sweat and I feel hot and breathless and...and…

Incredible.

Because he's pounding into me with unchecked passion.

_Finally._

And I suspected it might be like this but god_damn_...

It's so, so good.

_He's_ so good.

Like toe curling and screaming to God kind of good.

But I don't scream because I don't want anyone to hear us, so instead I let out a low, contented moan.

Just his name, but I think I still conveyed how unbelievably amazing he's making me feel, because after I said it, he looked down at me, his lips quirking into a smile, and then without slowing the frenetic pace, he leaned down and…and…

I have no idea what because that's when my alarm went off.

"Holy shit," I muttered as I reached out to slap at the snooze button, and then I ran my hand through my hair and let out a slow, unsteady breath.

I feel anxious and restless and yet somehow satiated. I'm actually craving a cigarette some kind of bad.

Because I had a sex dream.

An extremely satisfying sex dream.

About Fin. My _partner. _

_Not smart Amanda_, I thought.

But I laid back against the pillow and took a moment to rehash the dream. How it felt to have him touch me…the way his lips explored my body…

Whew.

I swear I can still feel him inside of me.

Which is crazy, considering we've never had sex.

_Not in the real world anyway,_ I thought as I forced myself to get out of bed. But we've had it a few times in my dreams.

Although not lately and never quite like this…so animalistic and intense and _tangible_.

I'm actually a little worried about how I'll respond when I see him.

_Which needs to be in an hour,_ I reminded myself as I hustled for the shower.

We have training scheduled for eight o'clock, and the captain will be there, so it's not a good day to be late.

I wasn't.

I made it at seven fifty-five.

"I was just about to call you," Fin said under his breath as we gathered in the make-shift crime scene.

His tone was quiet and intimate and it immediately brought my dream to mind.

"Are you okay?" he asked when I simply stared at him instead of replying.

"Yeah, I'm good," I promised.

"Fin, Rollins, you're up first," Cragen said loudly. "Start in the hall. The 911 call is for shots fired."

Two minutes later, I was in my vest, leading the way down the hall as I called in the incident.

"Waiting for ESU," I concluded, but a scream from inside the apartment had me and Fin sharing a look.

"The hell with waiting," he said and then together we burst into the room.

The male perp made a move towards me, and Fin took him all the way to the wall, pointing his gun at him as he shoved him.

And what did I do? I backed him up.

And ignored the woman.

"Detective," the woman said, and then she fired off two rounds of blanks.

"Ha," Fin laughed as he turned around. "She got you, Amanda."

"Don't laugh, Fin. You were next," Cragen pointed out as the mock scenario came to an end.

I gave myself an internal eye roll as I shoved my gun in its holster.

I was focused on my partner instead of on the other person in the room. I mean, yeah, we assumed she was an innocent victim but still…if this had been for real, I just got us both killed.

_This is why I shouldn't be obsessing about my partner._

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Fin as we sat watching Olivia and Nick take their turn.

"I was doing the same thing," he replied with understanding. "Focusing on the perp."

"Yeah, but…"

"You and I both know that in a real situation, we would've taken it more seriously. I know you've got my back."

I nodded and flashed him a smile, and then it was our turn to go again, so the time for talking was over.

And I did much better the second time around. And the third.

We spent a few hours with the training officer throwing different scenarios at us, and then we went to the range.

I've been a natural with a gun in my hand since I was a kid. Maybe it's because I'm from Georgia, I don't know. More likely it's because I _had_ to be able to handle a weapon in order to survive. As a kid, I mean. Which makes it logical that I chose a profession where it's still a necessity.

"Rollins is Annie Oakley, though," the instructor announced after checking everyone's targets. "Close to perfect."

I was hoping for _actually_ perfect, but close is good.

"Alright, get out of here," Cragen stated. "Nice work. All of you. I'll see you back at the house bright and early tomorrow."

"Hey, Annie ," Fin said as he came over to me.

"Don't even think about calling me that."

He chuckled and then said, "Want to grab a bite?"

"Yeah, sure," I agreed. "But if you call me Annie again, I'm pulling my gat."

He laughed again as we headed for the door, and I found myself looking forward to the evening.

We've been doing this a lot. Eating dinner together, hanging out in our off hours.

But I made the mistake a couple of months ago of trying to make it into something more.

I thought I was reading the signs, but maybe I was just desperate to see something that wasn't there…wanting to share some intimacy and affection with someone I consider to be my best friend.

Because after one of our dinners out, I kissed him.

It wasn't anything too over the top, just a quick meeting of lips, but still…it freaked him out a little bit, I think.

"_Amanda, we can't…um…you…um…"_

His uncharacteristic stammering had me backpedaling.

"_I'm sorry," _I said immediately. "_I got carried away. Won't happen again."_

"_Amanda…"_

"_We don't have to talk about it,"_ I insisted as I worked to keep my cheeks from turning red.

"_But…"_

"_I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" _

I didn't wait for a response, but instead just quickly hopped into my truck, leaving him standing on the sidewalk.

The next day, he tried to bring it up again, but I blew him off.

"_Hey, where I come from everybody kisses everybody all the time. It's nothing, really_."

I guess he picked up on my desperation to let the matter drop because he never mentioned it again.

And even though at the time I was worried that my inappropriate advance might adversely affect our friendship, it ended up doing just the opposite. Solidifying it even more.

I literally feel like I can count on him for anything. Anytime.

Even the occasional sex dream.

Which might be taking advantage of him, but since I'm not getting any in my waking hours, I may as well be finding some satisfaction while I sleep, right?

Because seriously…it's been a _long_ time.

Anyway, we went out for burgers, and we drank a couple of beers and the next thing I knew, it was after nine o'clock.

"I'd better go," I said remorsefully.

"You gotta curfew?" he teased.

"I didn't sleep very well last night," I admitted.

"You got something on your mind? How are your meetings going?" he asked with concern.

"Great," I assured him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm just…I don't know. In a rut, maybe."

"That instructor today sure was eyeballing you. I bet he wouldn't mind helping you out of your rut."

"You trying to set me up on a date?"

He shrugged and reached for the check as he said, "If that's what you're looking for."

"It's not."

"Yeah, because women like you routinely stay home every night of the week," he said with sarcasm.

"Women like me?"

He pulled some cash from his wallet and handed it off to the waitress before I had a chance to protest, and then he said, "You gonna make me spell it out for you?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"I've known you almost two years now. You're in your prime. When was the last time you had a date? It's not good for you to get so caught up in the job that you don't have a life."

"I think I'm on a date, since you just paid," I deflected playfully. "Besides, you don't have a life either, so maybe you should worry about you before you start preaching to me."

"I do alright."

I'd been reaching for my jacket after I made my remark, but his reply had me stopping in my tracks.

He does alright? Meaning…he's _dating_?

My expression must've given my thoughts away because he smiled and clarified, "By_ myself_. But you, you're…"

"I'm what?" I asked, doing my best to hide my relief, and I know it's not fair to be glad that he's alone, but still…I am. Because if he's going to be with someone, I want it to be me.

"Too pretty to be alone," he said after a moment's deliberation. "And too young to be all about the job."

I scoffed self-consciously as I pulled on my jacket.

What am I supposed to say to that? I've never been very good with relationships because I don't have the time or inclination to put much work into them, so most of my experience revolves around sex rather than romance.

Not that Fin's trying to romance me or anything.

But his compliment has me feeling off-kilter. He's never once commented on my looks, or given me any indication that he thinks I'm attractive. So why say something now?

_He's just being nice because he thinks I'm depressed or something,_ I decided. Since I told him I'm not sleeping well.

I wonder what he'd say if I told him_ he's_ the reason I'm not sleeping.

"When I meet a man who appreciates an independent woman and understands the job and isn't just into the kink of the handcuffs, then maybe I'll think about going on a date," I said at last.

He laughed at my remark and we walked out of the restaurant together as he made jokes about bondage freaks and then we parted ways.

I had to swing by the drugstore on my way home, so it was almost ten by the time I pulled out my keys outside of my apartment door.

But that's when I noticed that the door was ajar.

With my hand on my weapon, I went into the darkened apartment.

"Who's there?" I called out and then I rounded the corner and flipped on the light as my heart pounded in my chest at the possibilities…but it was my sister.

And here's the thing about Kim.

I think I hate her as much as I love her.

She's selfish and needy and reckless and manipulative.

But she's my sister.

Growing up, it was basically the two of us on our own, and since I was the oldest, it was me taking care of her. It stayed that way right up until I left Georgia.

And I guess it's that way again, since she's pregnant and has a black eye, both courtesy of her loser ex-boyfriend.

I slept on the couch that night, giving up my bed to Kim. It seems I'm always giving things to her, and she always takes without hesitation.

As I laid there in the darkness waiting on sleep, I tried not to think about Kim and what her life will be like as a single mom to a baby with a father like Jeff.

I tried to think about Fin instead.

He thinks I'm pretty. It was such an unexpected thing for him to say. But was he seriously trying to fix me up with the instructor? Why? Because he feels guilty about rejecting me?

I pondered that for a few minutes, but then I found myself thinking about my sister again. Not surprising, since every time she enters my life, everything is about _her._ It's like my life is put on hold while I deal with her drama.

So as much as I would've loved the relaxing gratification of another intense sex dream, it didn't happen, mostly because I couldn't go to sleep.

The next morning, I was late getting to work.

"I covered for you," Fin said as I walked into the squad room.

"I'm sorry. My sister's back in town."

"What's her problem now?" he asked knowingly. I've opened up to him a little about her, during our dinners out. And of course, this isn't her first visit to New York.

"She's pregnant," I admitted. "And Jeff's the father. Her abusive ex…she broke it off with him, but I guess he followed her up here, so…"

"Look, if he's stalking her, get a temp order," Olivia suggested rationally.

"Does she know where he is?" Fin asked.

"She can find out."

"We'll go talk to him," Nick offered. "Man to man."

"No, no…y'all don't need to get dragged into my family business."

"Forget it. We've got your back, Amanda."

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate them wanting to help. But it still makes me feel a little uneasy. I mean, it's my private life. And Kim's my responsibility. My problem. It's not fair of me to put the burden on them.

Not only that, but it makes me a little more ticked off at Kim because she's the one who brought her drama to me. She should've known better than to get mixed up with Jeff again, and now she's pregnant…God, what was she thinking? How's she going to raise a child on her own? Or worse yet, with him around?

I made it through the morning in an irritated haze, and after Jeff showed up at the baby store where Kim and I went during my lunch break, I made up my mind that Olivia was right about the restraining order. Of course, Kim's not trying too hard to stay under the radar, posting her whereabouts on Foursquare, but still…I want to be able to arrest him if he comes around again, so that night, I took home the paperwork for filing a temp order.

And she was reluctant to do it, which blows my mind, but I insisted, and the next day we got approval from a judge.

"I should call him first," Kim said when I told her the order would be served today.

"No, no…absolutely not," I said incredulously. "Okay, Kim, if he gets within spitting distance of you, he gets arrested okay? I'll explain how all of it works later."

It's like dealing with a child. And she's_ not_, which drives me crazy. Why can't she show even a tiny bit of responsibility?

I told Kim to go back home and then I took a moment just to breathe. I feel like I'm drowning when she's around…my whole life becomes about her. I can feel the anxiety bubbling up inside of me, that itchy feeling that usually precludes a call to my bookie.

Or at least, it used to. It was how I found my sanity in the midst of Kim's madness. It was my escape.

But that's not me anymore. It can't be.

I pulled out my phone and called Fin.

"You okay?"

That's how he answered, which means he probably knows I'm not.

"Yeah. You're on your way to Jeff's?"

"I got a minute. Talk to me."

"I sent Kim back to my place, but I'm…"

I trailed off and closed my eyes as I leaned against the wall in the hall of the courthouse.

I shouldn't have called him. He's busy. Doing something for _me_.

I need to quit leaning on him so hard. He's my partner, not my boyfriend.

He made that pretty clear two months ago when he rejected my advance.

"Amanda?"

"I'm good. I'll see you back at the squad room in a couple of hours."

I hung up before he could argue, and then I did what I should've done in the first place – I handled my problem by going to a meeting.

And I shared.

I'm not sure if it helped as far as my issues with Kim, but it did take the edge off, that niggling need to find some action.

Afterwards, I went to the precinct, and I couldn't believe Kim was there. Having dinner with Nick. It's like she's this parasite, feeding off of my life, taking everything she can from me. It's exhausting.

Of course, then I feel guilty for thinking that. She's my sister.

But I was still relieved when the captain handed off a case to Nick, and since Olivia wasn't back yet, I jumped in with him. Because I just want to be _away_ from her. And I want to try to keep her separate from this part of my life.

"You head home," I told her. "I've got a DVR now, so I'll call you on my way back."

It was several hours later before I finally got back to my apartment. On our way to St. Luke's, Nick tried to talk to me about Kim, but I shut down. Then Fin called.

"_Have you had dinner yet?_" he asked me.

"_No, but…"_

"_No buts,"_ he insisted, and I smiled at his concern.

"_Nick and I are working a case,"_ I told him. _"But thanks."_

"_Afterwards, then,"_ he offered. "_I'll wait."_

"_You don't have to."_

"_Did we stop being friends?_" he asked bluntly.

"_No,"_ I said in surprise.

"_Then don't shut me out. This thing, with your sister…it's got you messed up in the head, and you know it."_

"_Yeah,"_ I admitted.

"_So quit arguing with me and just call me when you're finished."_

To my credit, I _did_ call, but only to tell him that it was too late, and that I needed to go home.

"S_he's been alone for a while_," I explained as I went into my building.

"_She has you. Who do you have?"_ he asked, and it's almost scary how astute he can be.

"_I learned how to get by on my own a long time ago, Fin."_

"_It doesn't have to be like that,"_ he said, and his voice was soft, almost intimate, and it immediately reminded me of my dream the night before last, and I felt such a sense of longing that it made me physically ache.

"_Are you volunteering for the job?"_ I said on a tired laugh. "_Because I think I offered you the position a couple of months ago and you turned it down."_

And I'm going to blame my exhaustion for the fact that I brought up that embarrassing attempt on my part, but I'm almost glad I did. I know he wanted to talk about it at the time and I wouldn't let him, but maybe I should've heard him out.

He was quiet for a moment, and I came out of the stairwell on my floor, so I sighed and said, "_I'm almost home. _ _I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"_

"_We're not going to talk about this?"_

"_Is that what we're doing? Because I didn't hear you say anything."_

"_Not on the phone. Tomorrow night, okay? Burgers on me."_

I agreed, assuming I can keep a handle on Kim, and then I hung up with him, and as I turned the last corner in the hall and got out my keys, I can't help but feel a little bit better.

Like maybe my life doesn't suck too badly.

But that good feeling disappeared when I unlocked my door, only to find that the chain was locked, and I could hear Kim yelling from inside the apartment.

"Get out of here!" she said. "Jeff, you're hurting me!"

And I'll admit it. My first thought was _I'm going to kill him_.

I didn't mean it literally, but…that's what happened.

I pulled my gun and kicked in the door, running into the living room and calling out for him to get off of her, and when he rolled over, he reached for a gun.

So I shot him, twice in the chest.

For the next twenty-four hours, I was on autopilot. It's my defense mechanism, I think, and I'm a pro. Keep my head down and power through until things go back to normal.

I went to the hospital, met with my delegate, and saw the department psychiatrist. Kim and I each took a turn with Internal Affairs, and even though it's a nerve-wracking process, I wasn't really worried. Because I feel justified with the shooting. He was in my home, attacking my sister, and he had a gun. What else could I have done?

"You're coming home with me," Fin said after I came out of the interrogation.

I wanted to laugh, considering how much I would've loved for him to make that statement under just about any other circumstance.

"Fin," I said on a sigh, getting ready to argue.

"I'm not taking no for an answer."

Since I'm working on a third night of little or no sleep, I relented. Besides, it's not like there's going to be any funny business going on. He just feels sorry for me.

But I'm still grateful for the place to stay, so Kim and I went with him. And I've been to his place before – for platonic reasons, of course - but I didn't let on to Kim.

I don't want her having any idea what Fin means to me. I know she thinks I've got a thing for Nick, which is why she put the full court press on him. She loves doing that, flirting with a guy I like just to see if she can get his attention.

Of course this time she's got it wrong, and I'm fine with that. I mean, I still hate the way she's been acting around Nick, but only because she's making a fool of herself, playing the helpless female act.

But if she turns that on Fin, I don't think I'll be able to hold my tongue.

"Listen, if my sister gets to be too much, you let me know," I said quietly once we were in Fin's apartment and Kim had gone down the hall to the room where we'll be staying.

"She'll be fine. The question is how are you doing?"

"The sooner the paperwork's done, the better," I said with forced nonchalance, and then I turned and went down the hall in an effort to avoid further conversation.

I can't think about my relationship with Fin right now. I can't get into a serious discussion about…well, about anything. My life is a disaster right now, and I don't see it getting any better as long as Kim's around, and I certainly can't ask her to leave, so…once again, what _I_ want takes a backseat.

The next day, Tucker from Internal Affairs called to see if I'd come by to answer a few more questions. And I know everyone's told me repeatedly not to talk to him without my delegate, but I don't have anything to hide, so as far as I'm concerned, the more forthcoming I am, the quicker I can put this behind me.

But as he asked me questions about my history with Jeff, I realized that he knows things he shouldn't know. Things he had to have learned from Kim.

And worse yet, she_ changed_ her story, choosing to go with a lie instead of the truth.

I went straight to Fin's place as soon as I finished with the interrogation.

"What in the hell did you tell Tucker?" I shouted, and it makes me mad that she's just kicking back, relaxing like she's on vacation.

Can't she see that recanting her statement about the rape makes me look guilty of murder? Does she _really_ not grasp the gravity of the situation?

Apparently not because she finally admitted she took out a life insurance policy on Jeff.

And that she put my name on it.

"We'll finally be rich," she concluded flatly.

The next day, I went back to Tucker, showing him the policy as explanation of why Kim changed her story. I thought it would clear everything up.

Once again, I was wrong.

"I understand you have a gambling problem," Tucker stated.

And he knew all of the facts about it, laying them out like a prosecutor at trial, and the longer he talked, the clearer it became that I'm in real trouble. Because of Kim. Why am I surprised at all by that? I don't know, but if I don't find a way out of this, losing my badge will be the least of my worries. I'll be spending the next twenty-five years in Attica.

I called for a PBA rep on my way back to the squad room, but I couldn't get through.

"Is this still about IAB?" Fin asked, meeting me as I came down the stairs and catching the tail end of my conversation with Graber's secretary.

I hesitated briefly, but kept walking, and he followed me to my desk.

"Amanda, don't fool with them. Get a lawyer.

"I haven't done anything wrong, and if I get a lawyer, they're just going to hang Kim out to dry."

I was hoping that would be the end of it, but Fin stood watching me until I offered more of an explanation. I don't like telling people how I practically raised Kim myself, since our parents were deadbeats, but I'm hoping it'll help him understand why I have to protect her.

"She never had to grow up because you were always there," he remarked in conclusion, and he's right, I know he's right, but still…what am I supposed to do?

"You gonna tell me what's going on?" he continued.

"I'm not sure," I admitted.

He nodded and turned away, but then he came back, leaning over my desk as he said quietly, "Maybe if you'd talk to me, it might help you see things a little more clearly. I'm not the enemy, Amanda."

"I know that."

He stood up straight and raised an eyebrow at me skeptically.

"I _do_ know that," I insisted. "It's just…hard."

"Doesn't have to be."

He held my gaze for another minute, and then he nodded meaningfully as he slowly turned and went back to his desk, and I took a deep breath in an effort to steady myself.

I appreciate that he's trying to be my friend, but I don't deal well with kindness. Not during a time of crisis, anyway. As long as it's just me, I can keep putting one foot in front of the other without showing emotion, but at the first sign of empathy…I don't know, it makes me feel weak.

So for most of the day, I threw myself into my work. I'm not officially cleared yet, but that doesn't mean I can't do paperwork, so I stayed at it until my eyes started to cross, and then I took a break to go check on Kim.

But she was gone, and she's not answering her cell, and I'm borderline freaking out.

"Have you seen my sister?" I said to Nick in an accusatory tone.

"Uh…not since the other night," he replied cautiously.

"Really? Because the last time I saw you two together you seemed pretty cozy," I snapped.

"Whoa, hey," he said, as Olivia jumped in saying, "Hey, Amanda…"

And I know they're right and I'm wrong, but I'm so goddamn mad at her for…for…everything.

"Amanda, what's this about?" Olivia asked soothingly, so I told them how she'd cleared out, and Fin immediately started making calls while Olivia asked how to help, and their kindness even after my bitchiness makes me feel...out of sorts and shaky, because I think these people are my family so much more than the one I have by blood, and it's almost overwhelming and I didn't know what to say, but as it turned out, I didn't have to say anything at all because Cragen called me into his office, wanting an update.

So I told him about the life insurance policy, and how Kim had changed her story, and that she's now disappeared, but before we could get too far into the discussion, Tucker burst into the captain's office.

"Detective Rollins, you're under arrest for the murder of Jeff Parker," he said gloatingly. "Your captain will take your shield."

And it's official.

This is the worst day of my life.

My badge…the booking…

My head is swimming and I have no idea how to even _begin_ to think straight.

So I called Fin.

He was my one phone call, after processing, and it makes me really glad that the captain used his rank to get word to me that a lawyer was on his way to see me, so that I didn't have to use the phone call for that.

"The captain called his lawyer for you?" he asked me.

"Yeah, he's on his way."

"Keep your head up. We've got your back," he said confidently.

"Copy that, Fin."

"I'm serious. You hanging in there?" he asked, his voice laden with concern.

"Yeah, I'm…I'm okay," I managed to say, fighting off the tears with every syllable. "Thanks."

I went back to my cell, and I spent the next several hours waiting for the lawyer to show up. During that time, I rehashed the past couple of days over and over in my mind. What the hell is Kim thinking? She's always been flighty, but this…this is over the top, even for her. The detective in me keeps whispering that she set me up, that she _wanted_ me to kill Jeff, but I ignore it. I can't help it. I changed her diapers, for God's sake. She wouldn't do this to me, not on purpose.

My lawyer finally showed, and we talked about the case, and then it was time to go to my arraignment.

Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars bail.

_I'll be in jail throughout the trial._

"It's taken care of, Amanda," my captain said, catching me by surprise.

"Captain, I don't know how to thank you."

"Just don't jump, or we'll all be living with Fin," he replied, and it's so nice of him to keep the mood light. Otherwise, I don't know how I might've responded to their unsolicited kindness.

"Come on, I'll take you home," Fin said with a small smile. I finished shoving my personal effects into my pocket and then started walking out.

"We've got a lot of work to do," my lawyer said.

"Starting with straightening out my sister," I replied.

"Under no circumstances should you speak to your sister," he argued.

"She just wants the insurance money," I reasoned. "She's like a little girl."

"Amanda, Kim set you up. She planned this whole thing," Fin said purposefully, and he's right, I know he's right. I mean, I thought the same damn thing two hours ago while I was sitting in jail. But I'm not ready to admit it yet.

"She never planned a damn thing in her life."

_But I think she did. _

As we left the building, I thought about trying to shake Fin so that I won't have to admit to him that I'm going to talk to Kim, but I didn't have to. Because as we got to his car, he looked at me purposefully and said, "Do you know where?"

The hotel, he means. Where Tucker put her up.

"I'll find it."

"I already did," he said on a sigh. "Get in."

He drove us to a coffee shop next door to a low-key hotel, and then he walked away from me, heading inside the café as he said, "I appreciate the fact that you have to do this alone. And I like your independence. But if I have to buy a _second_ cup, I'm coming in after you."

I stood on the sidewalk, watching him go, and I felt that wistfulness again. That longing to have a normal life with a guy like him. He's so nice, and it's such a great feeling to be the one watched out for instead of always doing the watching.

And did he really toss out that independent comment, after what I said to him the other night?

Is he trying to tell me something?

I'd love to think the answer is yes, but I can't get caught up in that dream just yet. First I had to deal with Kim, and it didn't take long for her to admit that not only is she not pregnant, but also that she called Jeff, she lured him to New York, and to my apartment that night. That she set me up, that she wanted me to kill him.

Even hearing her saying the words, I still had a hard time swallowing it. That my baby sister would do something like that, not just to Jeff, but to me.

I left her hotel room, and after taking a few minutes to pull myself together, I went back down to the street, and over to the coffee shop where Fin was waiting.

"You okay?" he asked immediately.

"Can we not talk? I just…"

"Let's go home."

Twenty minutes later, we entered his apartment. It was dark and quiet and comforting, and he kept it that way, only flicking on a small lamp in the living room after tossing his jacket over the back of the couch.

He honored my request of not talking, and neither of us has spoken a word the whole time.

Well, until now.

"You want something to drink?" he offered.

"Yeah, a whole bottle maybe," I said dryly, and then I laughed humorlessly and shook my head. "No, I think I'm just going to go to bed."

He nodded and took a step closer to me, and said, "You can't lock it up forever. I'm here when you're ready."

And see, even that made me ready to cry, which is why I don't want to say anything at all. But then he took another step towards me and reached out hesitantly, and then pulled me into a hug.

"I'm sorry this is happening to you," he said soothingly, and that's when the dam broke, and I'd probably be mortified if I weren't so utterly devoid of strength and energy, but I _am_, so I just stayed in his arms and let him hold me while I cried.

It took a while. It's been three days coming, so a minute wasn't going to do it.

But he was patient. He kissed the top of my head and then ran one hand over my back comfortingly until I finally pulled away.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't be."

"I am," I argued. "I'm in a hell of a jam, and…I don't know what I'm going to do."

"You're going to get a good night's sleep. And you're going to let your friends help you."

"How?"

"Did you hear what I said?" he asked with a smirk. "Sleep first."

I looked into his eyes for a moment, and in spite of everything that's messed up in my life right now, I still felt a little fluttering of nerves about our closeness and the way he's looking at me. Although I'm sure I look like hell, considering I spent most of the day in a jail cell and then I just balled my eyes out for twenty minutes, so I'm probably taking sympathy as something else.

_Misreading signs again_, I chastised myself in irritation.

"Okay," I said at last. "I'm going to bed. And thank you."

I spent another night not sleeping.

And again, I tried to think of Fin, but it was Kim who stayed foremost in my mind. How could she betray me like this? How could she be so callous and unfeeling about putting me in prison?

"_Mama always said you were too big for your britches_," she taunted me earlier.

Does she honestly resent me for working hard and getting a good job and getting out of Loganville?

Why couldn't she just do the same instead of being bitter about me getting out?

I tossed and turned until six a.m. and then I rolled out of bed and went into the kitchen. Fin's being sweet enough to share his apartment, so the least I can do is make him some coffee.

But when I got there, I found him sitting at the table, already drinking a cup.

"How long have you been up?"

"About an hour," he admitted.

"Insomnia's contagious, I guess," I commented as I filled the empty cup he'd left next to the pot for me.

"I got a lot on my mind," he said. "So you didn't sleep either?"

"No. And I can't go to work today. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Go see Olivet again," he suggested. "You won't talk to me, but maybe you can talk to her."

"Who says I need to talk?" I asked belligerently. "Damn, Fin, I nearly flooded your living room last night. Isn't that enough?"

"No. Your sister tricked you into killing her ex. You gotta be pissed about that. Upset. Devastated. Something."

"I'm all of those things," I confessed as I sat down across from him. "And I'm out on _bail_. I'm still in a world of shit."

"I told you to let us handle that. We'll get it straight. You just work on you."

I nodded as I sipped on my coffee and debated his advice.

"I'll go talk to her," I conceded.

"Good," he said as he stood up. "I'm going to take a shower. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge, okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks."

"You need to eat."

"Talk…eat…anything else you want me to do?" I asked smartly, although I smiled when I said it, to take the bite out.

"I've got a couple of thoughts," he said, returning my smile briefly before leaving the room, heading for the shower.

And I can't swear to it, but his remark sounds suggestive. Did he mean for it to come out like that? I don't know, but I was reminded again about his comment last night, about him liking my independence, and God, wouldn't it be nice for there to be a little bit of light at the end of this pitch black tunnel?

About an hour later, he left for work after hugging me tightly and reminding me to go see Olivet.

The apartment felt different once he was gone. Lonely and empty, and I found myself spiraling again, thinking about everything that's happened this week, so I quickly showered and dressed and headed for her office, deciding that Fin's right about me needing to talk. Maybe once I get it all out, I'll feel better about being screwed over by family.

But Olivet turned me away.

I hadn't made an appointment…she works for NYPD…basically, I think she was afraid to talk to me. Does she think I'll confess to the use of excessive force? Or…what?

I don't know, but I wasn't about to beg so I turned and left. I spent the better part of the day just wandering around the city. Thinking. About what I'll do if this thing goes to trial, and what'll happen if I lose my badge for good…if I'm convicted. I thought about what I'll say to Kim when I see her again.

And then I thought about Fin.

I shouldn't want him like I do. I get why Kim wasn't suspicious of me having feelings for him. He's not my usual type. But look where my usual type's gotten me so far…I'm alone. And Fin has made me feel _not_ alone, even though I've pushed him away at almost every turn since this whole fiasco began. He's not a fair-weather friend. He's not even just a friend. I mean, when I had to find a place to stay because of my apartment being taken over by the NYPD, he didn't even hesitate. Or ask. He just insisted. He's always there when I need him and when I don't.

Once I clear my name – and I have to believe that somehow, I will – I'm going to talk with him. I mean, we were going to before this happened. The night I found her in my place, I'd agreed to dinner out with him, so that we could talk, and I know we still need to do it. I can't bury my feelings anymore.

As I was thinking of him, he called.

"How'd it go?"

"It didn't."

"Amanda…"

"I went," I said quickly. "But she wouldn't see me. She said she'd give me a referral or something, but…"

I trailed off and then fell silent.

"We've got an idea about how to get your story straight," he said.

"Really? What is it?"

"I'll tell you later. I want to make sure it works first. Are you back at my place?"

"No, I'm…"

I paused and looked around because I've been walking forever and I have no idea where I ended up. Connecticut, maybe.

"I'm in Bushwick."

"What the hell are you doing out there?"

"I went for a walk."

"That's a hell of a walk. Want me to come get you?"

"I know how to ride the subway, Fin, but thanks."

"I still owe you dinner," he said after a moment, and his tone has changed. It's softer, more personal.

"I was just thinking about that."

"Tomorrow night," he said. "I'd say tonight, but I don't know what time I'll be."

"Okay."

"You gonna be alright by yourself?"

"I always am."

"No, you're not," he argued lightly. "And don't think you're off the hook for talking."

"Want me to stop by a church and find a priest?" I joked lamely.

"No, I want you to talk to _me._"

I took a deep breath, hating how I get choked up just thinking about baring my soul to him. I don't want him to think less of me, and I think he might if he knows about some of my upbringing, some of the things I've done. Things which have most likely kept me from feeling remorse for killing Jeff.

But at the same time, I love that he's not giving up on me.

"Soon," I answered.

"Yeah?"

"Promise."

I got back to his place at six-thirty, and it was only thirty minutes later when I got a call.

"It's Captain Cragen. Meet me at Tucker's office, but don't say a word until I get there."

He and Nick were there before me, waiting in the hall, and when Nick played the recording of Kim telling him her plan…oh my God. I mean, it's nothing I didn't already know, but still…she sounded like a goddamn sociopath, she was just so emotionless. And unremorseful.

"You've got something for me?" Tucker said as he appeared in the doorway, so the three of us went into his office, where Nick played the recording for him, and as I listened to it again, I kept thinking about when we were kids, me and Kim. How I tried to keep her out of trouble, yet she always seemed to find it anyway.

And now…now I'm sacrificing her to save myself.

What does that say about me?

"She's not your sister anymore," the captain said quietly as I let my emotions get the better of me.

And I know what he means.

But it doesn't make it any easier to take.

Fin was waiting outside of Tucker's office when we got out.

"Charges are dropped," Nick said victoriously.

"About damn time," Fin said.

"Agreed," Cragen remarked. "And here…I thought you'd want this back as quickly as possible."

He handed over my badge and I'm sure I look like an idiot, crying and standing there staring at my shield, but it's all just too much.

"Thank you," I managed to say. "All of you, really."

"You didn't deserve this," Cragen said. "Oh, and you're clear to go back to your apartment, too. It was officially released this afternoon."

I thanked him a few more times, and then followed Fin out to the parking lot where his car was waiting.

"Ready to go home?" he asked me.

I'm not sure if I am, but I said yes, so he drove me back to my place, and then he walked with me upstairs.

But when we went inside…the place was gutted. I mean, completely empty.

_She sets me up for murder and then she steals from me._

And I don't know why but I think the stealing almost hurts worse. It's deliberate. I think the murder spun out of control, but this…

I bent down and picked up the note lying on the floor.

She has the nerve to say she loves me, I thought after reading over it.

_This is supposed to be love?_

The tears started to fall, and God, I'm sick of crying. _So_ sick of it.

I got screwed. End of story. Time to move on.

"Amanda," Fin began as I let the note fall to the floor.

"I'm fine," I interrupted, swiping at the moisture on my face. "This is fitting, don't you think? I nice fuck you from her. And actually, it's a good thing because now I don't feel so guilty about how this played out."

"You shouldn't," he agreed. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know."

"And I guess now she won't be coming back to New York," he commented.

"That's true."

"And your sister…"

"I don't want to talk about Kim," I said firmly.

Because isn't it about time for me to put _me_ first, instead of her?

"Okay."

"I don't even want to think about her."

He nodded as he held my gaze, and I realized what I was going to do about a half-second before I did it, and I probably could've stopped myself, but I don't want to. And maybe this time, he won't want to either.

Because as we stood there looking at each other, I decided that I'm done with the drama. I just want to be happy, and being around Fin makes me happy.

So I kissed him.

Yeah, I know. I tried that once and it didn't go over well.

But this time, I didn't pussyfoot around with it.

I grabbed onto the front of his shirt and poured my soul into the kiss. He only hesitated for a moment, but then he was right there with me, and wow…it was _so_ good.

"We shouldn't be doing this," he said after several arousal-inspiring minutes.

"Because you don't want me?" I asked challengingly, and I think I'm only confident about it because in spite of his words, he still has his arms around me, and the way he's looking at me, lustful and hungry, makes me feel so…desirable.

"Are you kidding me?"

His response, filled with just the right amount of need and sarcasm, sent a surge of excitement through me.

"Then shut up," I teased, smiling as I leaned in to kiss him again, and I love that he chuckled just as our lips met.

But after that, there was no more talking, it was just the raw, intense, primal fulfilling of needs.

Right there in my empty apartment.

We pulled off each other's clothes with a sense of desperation that comes from denying ourselves this pleasure for so long.

And there was no awkwardness.

Maybe because we were going at it with such intensity there was no time to consider it, I don't know, but as soon as we were stripped down, he turned us so that my back was against the island counter, and then he lifted me up a little, leveraging me against the counter as he pushed into me with one long powerful stroke, all the while still kissing me with such passion and desire, and God, if I thought he was good in my dreams…holy shit.

In reality, he's _so_ much better.

And there was no alarm clock interrupting the best part, either.

"Oh my God," I managed to say several minutes afterwards, once I was finally able to catch my breath.

He still had me pinned against the counter, his arms holding me securely off the ground, and I'm sure I have to be getting heavy, but he doesn't make any move to let me go.

"Uh huh," he agreed. "You think you still have a bed?"

"I have no idea," I laughed.

"Let's find out," he said, picking me up completely and heading for the hall, and it's crazy, but I can't stop smiling.

I mean this has been the worst week of my life and yet…it's suddenly _not_.

The bedroom was ransacked, and most of my drawers were open and empty, but the bed was still there, although she did take the quilt, but I honestly don't care at this point.

He put me down on the bed and then laid down next to me, letting out a heavy exhale as he pulled the sheet over us, and then he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close.

"We still have to talk, you know," he said as I relaxed against him.

"What is it with you and talking?" I asked on a laugh.

"What is it with you and not talking?"

"Okay, fine, we'll talk. I had a sex dream about you the other night."

"That's not exactly what I meant," he replied, and now he's laughing, too. "But you really did?"

"Oh, yeah. You were pretty good, too. "

"Yeah?"

"Not as good as in real life though."

"Good to know," he grinned.

We both fell quiet for a few minutes, and I don't know about him, but I'm just enjoying the closeness and the comfort of being held.

I could stay like this all night.

But because I'm me, I have to ask the hard questions, because I have to know.

"What made you change your mind?"

"About?"

"Me."

"You're pretty persuasive when you set your mind to it. That kiss tonight…"

He trailed off as I shifted so that I could look up at him because I know he's just deflecting the real answer, and I still need to know what that answer is.

"Seriously?" he asked, and when I nodded, he continued. "It wasn't a matter of changing my mind about you. I wanted you a long time before you ever kissed me. But when you made your move, it was around the holidays, and I thought maybe….I don't know. That you were just lonely. And when you didn't want to talk about it, I figured you realized you made a mistake."

"I didn't want to talk about it because I was embarrassed," I admitted.

"Well, that's where not talking gets you," he said pointedly, and then he slid one hand up behind my head, bringing me closer to him so that he could kiss me. I closed my eyes and savored the feeling, loving how natural it feels being with him.

We kissed for a few more minutes, just leisurely explorations, while his hands stroked over my back, keeping my body pressed against his, and then I settled my cheek against his chest and sighed contentedly.

"You still want to talk?" I asked softly, even though my eyelids are heavy and the week has caught up to me.

"You know we did this backwards, right?"

"What's that?"

"Kitchen for sex and the bed for talking," he said, and I barked out a laugh at his unexpected remark. I thought he was talking about us. And maybe he is, in a way, since we're talking after the sex.

"Backwards suits us, I think."

"Uh huh."

I was quiet for a minute as I gathered my thoughts because I know I need to be more open with him, not just in how I feel about him but in everything. And as worried as I've been about what he'll think of me, this is Fin. He's not going to judge me.

"Okay, so…where should I start?"

"Anywhere you want, but the beginning's usually a good idea."

So I reached for his hand, clasping my fingers to his, and then I took a deep breath and started at the beginning.

**The End**


End file.
